


From The Ground Up

by starboydjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Radio, Depression, M/M, Mental Illness, Post-Break Up, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 12:46:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8533609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starboydjh/pseuds/starboydjh
Summary: Your university years teach you a lot more than you think they will, not just about law and english, but about yourself and your relationships as well. Dan Howell and Phil Lester know this better than anyone could, having just broken off a seemingly perfect year and a half relationship. A turbulent six months follow their breakup that teach them more than their professors ever do. (aka mentally ill college student dan with commitment issues and college student phil who loves dan too much for his own good yay!)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a bunch of songs that are constant sources of inspiration for me  
> And tears  
> Mostly tears  
> The songs each part is inspired by are at the top of each part! 
> 
> (A/N I don't know how the labeling of radio stations works in England so I'm using the American way for that little part at the end, suspend your disbelief for that part I guess but other than that enjoy!)

Phil was always thankful that there was a Starbucks on the campus. These 8 am classes were designed to kill him, he was certain, especially when he was nursing a hangover like he was this morning. A large caramel macchiato and two chocolate croissants, that usually did the trick for him. This morning however, his stomach turned from something other than his hangover. Dan Howell stood at the end of the line, playing on his phone and wearing his long black parka and galaxy print backpack, dark brown hair styled to perfection even though it was barely 7:30 in the morning. Why Phil thought he could make it through the last year and a half of university without seeing his ex boyfriend was beyond him, but there he was, standing in line doing nothing like the prick he was. Okay, that was a bit harsh, but Dan had ripped out Phil’s heart and stomped on it and barely even apologized for what had happened a month previous. Trying to pay him no mind, Phil slipped into line behind him and tried to ignore all the thoughts whirling through his head. Dan hadn't made himself easy to forget though. 

 

Dan knew that cologne as soon as Phil got in line behind him. He sucked in a breath and huffed it out hoping Phil would hear, turning his attention back to the game he was playing on his phone. He prayed Phil wouldn't say anything so he wouldn't burst into tears in the middle of a Starbucks and luckily not a word was exchanged between the two of them. Dan ordered his coffee, one grande pike with two sugars and milk, and stalked over to the waiting area. His and Phil’s relationship had been fast, intense, and something neither of them could forget. Dan didn't want to break it off between them, nothing was wrong with their relationship but Dan had a major fear of commitment and knew he could be cold and hot with the people he loved. Something about being with and loving Phil made him want to settle down and start a family, which made him scared for the future. So in his mind, he had to break it off. Not because of any problems with their relationship, but because he was scared of all they could be. Phil loved with his whole heart, had such a salt of the earth personality that Dan knew he could never find in anyone else. Basically, Dan knew he fucked up by breaking up with Phil, ruining Phil’s and his own heart in the process, but he had too much pride to admit it. He’d decided to stay away from guys altogether for a few months, just see how living alone would go, but even just days after he regretted everything that happened that weekend. He missed Phil, missed his goofy sense of humor, the way he fit into his arms so perfectly at night, the way he sighed Dan’s name when he was fully satisfied, everything about him. He’d made a huge mistake, but even though he knew that, he still felt irrationally angry when Phil stood directly next to him after ordering his macchiato and his food. Phil could’ve stood anywhere in the store, but nope, he had to stand next to Dan.

 

“Can I help you?” Dan snapped at Phil. Phil looked taken aback at the harsh tone but shook his head no and stepped away a little. Luckily it wasn’t a long wait for Dan’s coffee and when the barista called his name he practically sprinted to grab his drink and leave. He still had an hour until class but he didn’t care, he needed to be out of there as quickly as possible. Luckily Phil and Dan weren’t studying the same major so Dan was able to escape seeing Phil again all day in the law buildings. Dan was shaking a little bit from the encounter with Phil as he sat down in the student centre. He put his coffee down on the table in front of him to prevent himself from dropping it all over the notes he needed to look over. He couldn’t get his mind back on track, his thoughts were running a million miles an hour and couldn’t feel the tips of his fingers. He knew this feeling, could feel the dread and panic pooling in the middle of his chest, knew that a panic attack would surely be coming on soon if he didn’t try to slow his mind down. Resting his head on the table in front of him and not really caring if people gave him funny looks, he tried to slow his breathing down and push the flood of emotions he was feeling back into the wings of his mind for as long as possible. Since he and Phil had called it quits, Dan had stopped taking his antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicines which probably wasn’t the best idea, but he didn’t care. Somewhere in his mind he thought that would help him get over Phil. Seeing as he wanted to drive his car into a tree just about every day now, it clearly wasn’t working out as well as he’d planned. His grades were slipping, he barely was keeping up with rent, struggling to get out of bed in the morning even. Everything seemed to be going wrong now. But still, he had too much pride to admit that he was heartbroken over not having Phil in his life any longer. 

 

Finally Dan sat up, breathing out a sigh of relief that the attack had passed for now. Rubbing at the dent the glass table had caused in his forehead to make it a bit less noticeable, he packed his stuff up and opted to just sit and pretend that nothing was happening, everything was fine. That seemed to be his status quo these days. He’d become a master of denial and a master of repressing his emotions, which he knew wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t really care. He was fine, he’d convinced himself, people always had rough periods after breakups, he would be fine. He kept himself together through the day, ghosting through his classes and for once handing in all his homework on time. His contract law professor was so surprised that Dan was actually turning in an assignment on time that she gave him a hug, which he awkwardly returned. At two in the afternoon he was done with his classes which meant sitting in traffic for a while to get home, then sulking in his bed for the weekend trying to convince himself that life wasn’t meaningless and that he wasn’t going to die hopelessly alone. He hated this feeling, this empty, hollow sensation that sat in his chest all day now. It was his own fault anyways, he was the one who freaked out and ended it with Phil with barely so much as an explanation or apology. 

 

Their relationship started out in the most cliche way possible, they met at a bar, bonded over Muse and the fact that they both made YouTube videos and they stayed and kept talking until they were the last two people in the bar. Dan took Phil out for coffee the next day and the rest is history. They clicked immediately, and a month later they'd moved into Phil’s apartment together. Everything was fast it seemed, but it worked for them. Then they actually got to know each other, and everything still just worked. Nothing was awkward, only a few arguments here and there, but it was perfect. Phil truly loved Dan with all his heart, loved all the things Dan hated about himself, loved his insecurities and issues and every aspect of him. He couldn't figure out what he’d done to make Dan want to leave him, if he’d moved too quickly or come on too strong. One day everything was fine, and then the next Phil came home to their apartment and all of Dan’s important things like his laptop, most of his clothes, his favorite DVDs and just about everything else was gone, along with Dan. That night, Dan got more wasted than he’d ever been, letting some strange guy he’d never met before blow him in the toilet of the bar where he and Phil had met and crying in a cab on the way home after puking out the window. It was one of the worst nights of his life, but he felt a sense of freedom he hadn’t felt in a long time. He was never one for random hookups or for excessive partying but that night he needed that release. It was a catharsis almost, but the next morning he regretted every second of what happened. Of course, the news got back to Phil through their mutual friends and Dan knew Phil was too kind of a person to retaliate, but this almost paralyzing fear of Phil’s judgement of what a mess he actually was still lingered. So he began isolating himself, trying to focus on his god awful law classes that he hated while crashing on PJ’s couch and finding a new flat in his price range that didn't resemble a cardboard box. That last one proved hard, but with some help from his dad he found a place that was moderately sized, close to campus and for cheap. Luckily, all he told his parents was that they’d broken up and nothing about the circumstances, which was completely fine for someone like Dan who was guarded and rarely showed his emotions.

 

He knew what this path would lead to. He’d keep everything bottled up inside him, hidden under wraps and under the mess of his day to day life until it all bubbled to the surface and he burst, and when he burst, he knew it would be bad. It always was, two past attempts at ending his own life clearly wasn’t a strong enough message to him that something needed to change, that he needed to change. It felt as if the stakes had to be higher, but there were no higher stakes to reach at that point. The damage was done. He’d always be looked at like a broken china doll, put back together in some aspects but the cracks of the past clearly visible in his actions years after. Never once did he think he’d even make it as far as university, that should be a small victory in itself right? To Dan, getting through each day was a monumental task, it felt like summiting a mountain to pull himself out of bed every morning, and everyone expected so much from him every day. Never once would he call himself suicidal though, he hated that word with a burning passion. It made him feel like a headcase, as if he couldn't be fixed or helped. 

 

At around seven Dan walked the few city blocks to his job at a small hometown radio station. The station had become his safe haven for a while now, a place he could go and forget that the world existed for a while and play some good music he enjoyed for the people of London who knew the station even existed. Settling into the chair and putting on the headphones, he immediately felt more at peace and more relaxed than he had all day. 

 

“Hello night owls, this is another sleepless night with Dan on WLDN 88.3, Central London’s home for alternative radio. Tonight I have a fantastic selection for you of some of my favorite music from this week, including some gems from Radiohead, Deathgrips, and of course my personal favorite, Muse. First for you, we’re going to start off with something a little different, this song is called Sixteen by a band from America named Real Friends. This is off their most recent album, and let me tell you, it’s really been hitting home for me lately. To whoever’s out there I hope you enjoy another sleepless night with Dan. Once again, here is Sixteen by Real Friends.” Dan clicked the song on his computer, taking off his headphones and leaning back a bit in his chair. As the melancholy intro to the song played, he had no idea that miles away back in the flat they’d shared for a year and a half, Phil was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Dan’s radio show. For the rest of the night, he stayed awake, listening intently and trying to find the meaning in each song Dan played. With each song that came and went, Phil was more confused by Dan than he ever had been.


End file.
